Once, I was traveling the country with a lady friend. She and I went to a city that happened to have some steep inclines. And parallel parking spaces. And pooping pigeons. Not fun. But if I can tell you something, I would say, the best part about having a car is not having to apologize for your right-of-way. When you parallel park, you’re essentially submitting to the powers that be in order to fit in their master plan of keeping everyone in line.
I dislike this. And I’m not alone. Here are three reasons my buddy Tarbret Kerbin dislikes parallel parking.
You’re Body Shaming Your Auto Body
“I have a 2-door RAV4. Therefore, there’s more than ever before to worry about the size that I have to squeeze in through traffic. You think I like having to reach my hand out to signal my directions while also using American Sign Language to apologize for blinding with my custom 1000w blinkers?”
The Curb Curbs Your Enthusiasm For the Neighbor-curb
“As often as I like to get takeout from the nearest Pho restaurant or BBQ eatery, I’m not crazy about besmirching my sweet ride along the sidewalk. It already feels uncomfortable to scratch the surface of being a bulky gas guzzler in the age of hybrid nitwits. Now, I have to worry about adding graffiti to the floor? Unbelievable. This is a pain my 2-door RAV4 can’t afford.”
Time and Time and Time and Time and Time again
“With the size aspect, there’s two different worries that affect my time in parking. Getting it right, and getting it tight. And they both work, hand-in-hand with each other. If it’s not tight, it’s not right… And if it’s not tight, it’s not right! Not only do you have to make sure my mighty 2-door RAV4 doesn’t block traffic flow, you also have to allow enough space for the other vehicles to pull out when they’re done laughing at my expense!”
Meters: They Suck!
“Not a fan of paying for anything except my 2-door RAV4. Much less vertical machines that can’t make up their mind between coins, credit, or soul insertion. So to have to wait around for an archaic device to authorize my payment for enough time that I’m only using to plot revenge on anti-perpendicular mob mentalities? So dumb. The dumbest.”
Why Can’t Parallel Be In Reverse?
“Because people are insecure, petty, and they don’t believe in meet-cutes! (Fact: My 2-door RAV4 is the cutest car around town.) That would be literally the only way I’d be cooler with parallel parking set-ups. Is if I was facing the love of my life without getting into a car accident with her first. Can you relate? No, because you’re just getting behind another person’s agenda plastered with bumper stickers only posers would wear.”